Self Doubt

Today I was given the task of creating a mix CD for an unknown person with ten of my favourite songs. All was well and good as I gradually scrolled through my music library randomly picking songs to add to my list. But then I started to have doubts. What if - the person who receives this doesn't like Christian musicians? What if - they think I'm ridiculous because I like country music? What if - they think I'm weird because I like a bit of classical? What if - they don't like it, and henceforth me?

Doubts.

There was a time when my life was governed by doubts. It was a time when I was afraid to say anything for fear of being shut down. When I was afraid to make friends with people for fear of being betrayed. It was a huge learning curve for me, and it took a long time for me to get back on my feet and allow God to rebuild me.

The thing is, when it came down to it, it wasn't other people's actions towards me that so broke me. It was my own self doubt. Self doubt that infected my mind like a disease and allowed me to look at everything through a grey coloured lens.

I look back to that time and I wonder how it was that I got to a state where I doubted myself so badly that I couldn't even express my own opinion. I know I am healed and by the grace of God I have been saved from eternal death, so something as trivial as gossip, or whether or not someone likes me doesn't matter. But it's amazing how easily human beings can crumble to pieces when left to themselves!

Of course, on the flip side, I am now stronger then I have ever been before, and I know now that with God I can withstand anything. Sometimes you need to get lost to be found.

After I thought about my moment of weakness with the CD, I decided it was time for me to do a bit of soul searching, trace my way back to where I began, remind myself of the absolutely amazing PLANNED miracle that is me, and just how much God loves me.

So I am going to send off my CD, country songs and all, knowing that my God created me for a purpose - to worship Him all the days of my life. And if that purpose involves sending out a CD to a random person with a couple of songs that may seem a little bit ridiculous, I will rest knowing that God has it all under control and maybe, just maybe, God has a plan for that person and my CD is a part of it.